I could make wine with my vomit
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
