I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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