Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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