I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
