I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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