Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
