Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
