Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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