she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
