Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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