I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
