just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
