So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I am one with the molecules
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
