I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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