"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize