I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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