Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
