The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
