The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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