first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Operation Purity has been aborted
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
