we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize