...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
