Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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