I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
