that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
