She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
