sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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