i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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