A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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