I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
