my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
