Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
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