I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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