I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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