'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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