Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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