i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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