But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
