We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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