You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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