I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
