I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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