she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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