when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
