Your face is a jimmy john
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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