I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
