onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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