Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
