I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
