so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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