Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
In America we eat man semen.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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