Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
