If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
