allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
