Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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