i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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