I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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